I meant to do this post yesterday; here it is, a day late.
After an afternoon of emotional blackmail on Wednesday, Neil finally moved out on Thursday, as per the court order. I honestly did not know how I would feel when he left – whether I’d be relieved, annoyed, sad. Having looked forward to the 6th October so much for the past 4 months, when it came time for him to leave, I started to worry about him. When he got in the taxi and left, Liam cried… I was so glad Hatty was here with us as she was there to comfort him while I was outside, helping Neil with his bags. I had a weep as well… Gordon was our rock.
I can’t remember if I’ve said this before, but this – the end of a marriage – feels very much like a bereavement but without the ‘closure’ because the person is still here; it’s weird. I’ve had a few teary moments, which seem to catch me off-guard… like yesterday – as I drove away after leaving Liam at the stables, I got very weepy and could not figure out why. I hadn’t been thinking about him or anything to do with the divorce; indeed, it is a strange thing.
I’ve asked Neil to leave the lines of communication open, not just for the boys’ sake but for him as well. And I’ll still be seeing him as he’s got to come around to pick up a couple of boxes of paperwork; he’ll also have to come to collect his post.
I was talking to someone a couple of days ago, and he made this interesting observation – in the time leading up to a divorce, in the midst of it and the immediate aftermath, we’re living in chaos. We get used to that chaos; it becomes a part of our lives without us realising what it is. Then when it’s all over and the one who was causing the chaos has moved out, we miss the chaos; we’re surprised at the quiet, the lack of drama, the peace, and wonder what’s missing. Then we realise there is no longer any chaos in our lives, it’s gone. To begin with, there’s a part of us that actually misses it before we get used to the peace and that becomes our new reality.
So here we are, a couple of days later, gradually getting used to our new reality. For the most part, the boys seem ok; I check in with them every now and then. As for me, I’ll take each day and each emotion as it comes. As my lovely friend, Jenny, said: “don’t be too hard on yourself, it’s ok to feel however you feel… be sad, angry and happy it’s all good. You are letting go of all that should’ve been could’ve been…”
The ‘new reality’ obviously includes ‘the old’ – I’ve still got a few bits to sort out on the site, including putting ‘Cursed Gift’ back on as a freebie. Also, I think it’s well past time to get ‘Moon Goddess’ well and truly ready to be published. And I shall get back to blogging regularly next week, starting on Wed then Friday and Sunday.